Counseling

After my experience with Justin, I had renewed hope that I could be a nice, normal heterosexual and fall in love and marry a man. Although I pined after Justin, Matt and I again talked about the possibility of an “us.” We had invested so many years in our relationship that I think we were reluctant to end things once and for all; plus, I had a hard time shaking the “we are ordained” belief I had harbored since college. Also, we were no longer spring chickens. We might be each other’s last best chance for marriage. He was kinda my backup, my Joey to his Phoebe. 

In January of 2010, I visited Matt in California (he had moved away from Boulder the year before). While we enjoyed spending time together, this visit fell flat. We hashed it out over email once I returned home and decided remaining friends was best. I did not understand why I couldn’t fall for Matt once and for all. We had tried so many times to make it work. He was this great guy and I loved so much about him. Why would it not work? 

For the first time in my life, I went to a therapist. I wanted to understand why I couldn’t make it work with Matt. I wanted to understand why I had fallen so hard and fast for Justin. Most of all, I wanted to understand why I was attracted to Kelly. My initial phone call to Sarah, my soon-to-be counselor, was awkward. I wanted her to know before we even met that I would be talking about my same-sex attractions. She was a Christian therapist and I did not know what she believed regarding same-sex relationships so I wanted to be upfront with her. I bumbled through our conversation all nervous and breathless. After I blurted out what I needed to talk to her about, she still wanted to schedule a time to meet. Whew. 

Sarah and I talked about my background, my faith, my dating history, all of it. Gradually, I told her some about Kelly and about other crushes I had had on women. She reassured me that sexuality is a confusing issue for a lot of people. I told her I didn’t want to live in the grey, I wanted black and white, either/or answers.

I wanted to know what I was. Gay, straight, bi-sexual, what.

She understood she said, I was not alone in wanting to get it figured out.  

Here’s the thing though. I downplayed my relationship with Kelly. Downplayed my attractions to women. Instead, I focused on Justin; I felt safe and normal talking about him and I wanted to figure out how I could find someone like him.

Looking back at my journal from this time, it seems that we were trying to peg down why I was attracted to the women I had been attracted to and how we could transfer those attractions to men. We worked on evaluating why I was attracted to certain people, regardless if they were men or women. Did they all have a common denominator? It seemed like a good strategy to me at the time, finding the commonalities in all my attractions. I’m not sure we really found a bunch of common threads. Except one.  

After describing Justin’s personality and talking a little bit about my experience with Kelly and how I felt with her, Sarah said that it seemed in order for me to be attracted to someone, that person has to be sharing their thought processes. Sarah thought it made sense that Kelly and I could come together at the end of the day (metaphorically speaking since we lived in separate states), over a glass of wine and talk about our days and how we were feeling. From my descriptions of Justin, Sarah determined that he was what she called an external processor, someone who processes their thoughts and feelings as they are talking. Because Justin processed out loud, I felt privy to more of his questions and doubts, more of his vulnerability, more of him.

It made me feel like I knew him better, made me feel closer to him. The urge to merge…it’s real.  

At the time, this made complete sense…it was my light bulb moment. I just needed to find a male external processor! Then I could fall in love with him and we could live happily ever after.  

After this revelation, our sessions shifted. We focused on my expectations for marriage with a man, gauging what I could and could not live without in a relationship. We determined a course of action; I would join an online dating site. I was going to find a man.  

A year later, I went back to Sarah for a couple of sessions, and she wanted a report on my progress. I had gone on five dates with men. Five dates in the course of one year.

Not even half a date a month, exactly .42 dates a month.

Of course, she wanted to know what was preventing me from trying harder and going on more dates. Uhhh…fear. Fear of going all in and finding out I must be gay because I was just not interested in any man. Fear of going all in and finding God didn’t even want me to get married to a man. Fear that I would be alone forever. This was NOT what I wanted. If I haven’t been clear…I wanted marriage with a man. It was the only way I would feel right and normal and have a fulfilling life. Right?