Justin Part 1

When I was in Boulder, I not only hung out with Matt, I started hanging out with his friends. I knew a couple of them from our college days, but I had never spent much time with them. We gathered together every week to drink wine and watch Wipeout, the reality tv game show where two people raced through a ridiculous obstacle course that included jumping across huge balls without slipping off and falling in the water below. It was a silly show. But the guys made it fun, hooting and hollering for the contestants. We also frequented the college bars together, staying out way too late drinking and talking. It felt like I had my own small group of rag-tag friends. For the first time in my life, I was hanging out with mostly men. And I was enjoying the camaraderie and the laughter. And then the most unexpected thing happened. Something surprising. An out-of-the-blue random thing. I started having feelings for one of them. Seriously? Yes.

Like, I like liked this guy.  

I had only been around Matt’s friend, Justin, several times when I realized I was crushing on him…hard. I didn’t trust myself because my track record with men was so fickle. I mean, I didn’t fall for guys. But each subsequent time I was with the group, my feelings for Justin deepened. It wasn’t long before he and I were hanging out, just the two of us. I had moved to Colorado when I was at my lowest point. Isolated. Just me and my secret. I did not see a future. I couldn’t see living the rest of my life as a closeted, lonely gay person. But I also couldn’t see marrying a man…and definitely not a woman.  

When I started having feelings for Justin, I was knocked over, baffled, and flabbergasted. I had known him for years and never, not once, had had any interest in him. What in the World?!

I didn’t question it for long. Instead, I went with it, followed the flow, embraced my feelings and felt ALL the positive feels. Being attracted to him was acceptable. I could talk about him to my girlfriends, to my mother, to anyone. And I did. I talked about him with anyone who would listen. I did not have to hide my feelings for him. I was a normal human being! Falling for Justin was a soothing balm to my soul. I did not resist or fight it. I enfolded my heart and mind in the warm cocoon of my feelings for him like a child on a cold night who, after nestling down in her bed underneath a big puffy comforter, feels safe and protected. 

I thought at any point my attraction to him would fizzle. I could not believe that I wanted to be around him and spend time with him, because I so was used to trying to like guys who showed interest in me and my “trying” always turned to avoiding. But, with this guy, my affection only grew. And I wanted to spend time with him. Alone time with him.  

Justin became the antidote to my deep-down feeling that I was unnatural for being attracted to women, that there was something irreparably wrong with me.

He was the quintessential Colorado outdoorsy guy — fit and attractive. I was drawn to him…his face, his heart, his personality. Simple as that. It was clean and pure and easy. With him, I felt feminine and nice and right.

I remember one night he invited me to his church’s small group. We ate dinner together, and then afterwards we sat around the living room talking about spiritual stuff. Everyone was having a good time and the discussion was loud and spirited. At one point, I got tickled at something Justin said and leaned forward laughing while also resting my hand on his knee. He was laughing and looking at me and, in that moment, I felt wanted and accepted and normal, and I thought THIS IS IT.

This is what I’ve been waiting for my entire life.  

It seemed that every time I was around him we discovered something we shared in common. One night we were hanging out in my apartment after dinner, and I offered him a Dove chocolate. I told him I had one every evening after dinner because I just needed a little something sweet. He was like, oh my gosh, I do the exact same thing. 

Another time we decided to go to Blockbuster to rent a movie. As we were walking up and down the aisles, we found a foreign film we were both interested in seeing and I mentioned that we would have to read the subtitles. He said that was fine with him because he used subtitles for every movie, including English-speaking ones. Me too! I said. I didn’t know anyone else did this.  

I know these seem like small things but they were huge for me. They made me feel connected (ahh…that word!) with him, something I had always wanted to feel with a man but had found with women. I felt like I really knew Justin, even after only a short amount of time. I understood him in a way I had never understood a man before. The more we were around each other, the more I felt like I was floating, my head in the clouds. I became a bit absent-minded, forgetting to close the sunroof when I parked the car, even though it was raining, and unintentionally leaving kitchen cabinets open. I wondered if I was in the honeymoon phase I always heard people talk about. I had all but given up on the idea that I would ever feel this way for a human of the male species. Yet, here I was. Falling. For a man.