What Am I?

Are you confused? Are you wondering “what the heck? I thought she was gay.” Or do you feel skeptical about my feelings for Justin? You’re like “Oh, she’s so gay.” Trust me, I get it. My relationship with Justin was short and much more condensed than my slow-burn of a relationship with Kelly. Plus, it was not fraught with the self-loathing and secret-keeping that added an emotional intensity to my relationship with Kelly. But my feelings for Justin and his square jaw were real and deep.  

But how to explain it? I want to label me. I want to know what I am. I want to name it and claim it. Then I can understand it. Or at least that’s what I tell myself. It’s certainly my natural impulse to label and box.

But alas, sexuality, for some of us, is confusing and messy. Even for some of us died-in-the-wool, evangelical Christians.  

So, here’s the thing: the sexuality on a spectrum thing — it’s a thing. Some people are straight on the far left of the spectrum and some are totally gay on the far right, and some of us fall somewhere in between. Perhaps I’m not all the way right on the sexuality spectrum. But right of center. It’s not impossible for me to be attracted to a man but, more likely than not, I’ll be attracted to a woman. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines bi-sexuality as, “of, relating to, or characterized by sexual or romantic attraction to members of both sexes.” Is it still bi-sexuality when you have, as an adult, felt attraction to women with one man in the mix? 

If I was born gay, why didn’t I experience attraction to girls when I was a kid? Some kids know when they are 5 or 7 or 13. Most likely, because I had already picked up at the tender age of 5 or 7 or 13 that girls like boys and only boys. I was socialized to cultural norms, and I knew it was off limits to have crushes on girls.  

On the flip side of the born-this-way coin is of course the idea that gays and lesbians choose to be gay. Sure, you can make choices about lots of things related to attraction and chemistry.

You can choose to act differently than how you feel.

You can choose to ignore how you feel, block out or push down those feelings.

You can choose to experiment.

You can choose to be in a heterosexual or homosexual relationship.

But have you ever made a choice to have the feelings you have toward someone? Have you ever said I am going to feel chemistry with this person and then made it happen? Have you ever chosen to feel butterflies in your stomach or the tingling in your nether regions? Isn’t this why we are all so enchanted with falling in love? Because it just happens. It is intangible, it makes us high, makes us feel like nothing else. It’s not a choice for any of us to feel the way we feel, to be attracted to who we are attracted to, to feel the chemistry we do with someone. 

Maybe I was born with a sexuality that is more fluid than most, with a sexuality that moves on the spectrum, doesn’t stay in one place (yikes, is that too much?). I didn’t experience crushes on girls until college. But lots of people experience their sexual awakening during their college years. As I grew up and matured and awakened sexually, my interest shifted more and more toward women. But, still, I cannot discount that I fell for a man when I was 33 years old.  

It is reassuring for me to think about my friends and their one-year-old son. He is allowed in the kitchen most of the time, except when his parents are cooking, when the oven or the stove is on. This may be confusing to him since he can’t understand why he is allowed in sometimes but not all the time. He does not see the potential dangers and potential consequences of those dangers like his parents do. He simply does not see the whole picture. 

This is how I see my time with Justin. I don’t see the whole picture. I was at a really low point when he came into my life and my time with him and my feelings toward him felt like a gift, like grace.

He was a sweet relief to me, a reprieve, a respite, a break from my shame, my pain and my oh-so-serious self.

I have never felt that way about a man before and I have not felt that way since. But he came at a time I needed him. Maybe my feelings for Justin and my time with him happened for no reason. Maybe it was happenstance. Coincidence. I don’t think so. I feel grateful regardless.