Owner’s Manual

After my failed attempt at being a successful NYC lawyer, I packed up and moved back to Boulder, Colorado to begin working for my dad in real estate. Living in New York had become too difficult for me. I was lonely. I still had no friends. And, as I’ve harped on, I hated my job.  

It just so happened that Matt, who had moved to California after we broke up, was living in Boulder at that time. We had kept in touch on and off over the years, periodically emailing one another and even seeing each other from time to time. (Like the time he visited me in NYC when I stood up Ryan to be with him.) 

I had no idea how nice it would be to have him around, to have someone I could call up to go grab a bite to eat or see a movie. Even having just one friend made me feel less lonely, less in my head and more grounded. We easily picked back up and began to spend more and more time together. And, it didn’t take long before it felt like we were dating. We fell back into all our old ways. All of them. We got physical. In the Olivia Newton John way. (What can I say? I’m a child of the 80s.)  

After my experience with Kelly, I no longer cared about waiting to have sex (the sex that I thought really counted, that is) for marriage. With the loneliness, shame and isolation vortex swirling around me, I just wanted Matt’s body close to me, next to me, on top of me, even if it wasn’t the connection or intimacy I craved. It didn’t matter that we were not married, were not going to marry, were not even dating. I would take what I could get. I had given up on the idea of getting married and having a family. I wasn’t going to fall in love and marry a man, and if I fell in love with a woman…well, that was doomed.

Of course, drinking excessively fueled my desire for Matt. It didn’t take long, however, for me to realize that even with alcohol, I really wasn’t interested. It was all exciting and fun for a little bit. But like things with him tended to do, it just fizzled out. I think he knew I was less than an enthusiastic partner, and he didn’t push it. 

It wasn’t all dark days though. While I worked for my dad, I went back and forth between Boulder and Wichita, my childhood home. I managed his project in Boulder, but since he lived in Wichita, I was there a lot too. I still thought about Kelly and about my attractions for women all the time.

Still compartmentalized. Still internalized.

But being in my parent’s company, I could distract myself a little bit from the secret world in my head.  

Spiritually, I was in a no man’s land. Did I really have to choose? I believed I was either going to be a Christian and renounce my sexual and emotional desires (quite possibly, my needs) and remain single or I was going to give up my faith and pursue a same-sex relationship.

I had viewed the Bible as my owner’s manual, the instruction book for my life, but now?

It did not speak to my experience, and, in fact, seemingly condemned it. At least, that is what I had been taught and had not yet thought to question.  

Of course, my parents had been instrumental in instilling in me the belief that the Bible was the rule book for my life. My parents were faithful church-goers. Always. And they had brought me up according to biblical values and rules.

But, it was around this time that I noticed something happening with my mother. She began getting up early in the mornings, reading her Bible and memorizing scripture. She did this every single day. After awhile, I noticed that her moods had evened out. Sticky situations at her job or setbacks in my father’s work that would have really upset her before fazed her less and less. Was I seeing joy? And peace? Throughout my childhood, she aspired to be a role model for me. To teach me how to comport myself, how to live with integrity, how to reach for the beautiful and good in this life.

Well now…she wasn’t just being my role model like she’d always been; she was becoming for me, the living, walking example of how Jesus changes lives.

And I began to feel a little something give way within me, little chunks of wall I had built around me began crumbling.