Working It Out

After I went on my date with Erica, I felt compelled and obligated to tell everyone in my Women’s Group. Some of them had evangelical backgrounds and were taught, like me, that homosexuality is a sin; all of them believed in the Bible so I did not know how the group would feel if I started actively dating women. I could not pursue a same-sex relationship without their knowledge. I was not going to live a lie in front of them at least, not another one. Yes, some of them knew I was attracted to women. But they ALL needed to know, and they all needed to know I might start dating women.  

Two women in the group still did not know anything. I put off texting Jasmine for a couple of days. I was dreading telling her. I had no idea what her opinions on the subject were. Then, out of the blue, she contacted me! She never initiated stuff! We decided to do an Orange Theory class together.  

I thought working out before telling her might be helpful, might be a good release, a good way to work off my nervous energy and calm my nerves.  

Afterward, we went for smoothies. In the few minutes it took to walk from the gym to the cafe, my heart started pounding in my chest again. Just as fast as it had during the workout. So much for sweating out my jitters. After we ordered, we sat down and she asked what was new. Now or never baby. All systems go. I told her I had to tell her something, and it was going to be awkward but I just had to say it. On your mark, get set…tears. Tears before I uttered a word. Geez. With a shaky voice I said I like women. I am attracted to them.

Shock registered on her face for half a second and then she was up and hugging me and telling me that she loved me.

She was relieved she told me, because she had sensed my reticence with the group and thought it meant I didn’t like her. Ugh. Another confirmation that I wasn’t just hurting myself but others around me. Then I told her my story. I think. I never remember that part very well. My emotional energy is spent and I’m unable to absorb very much after the big reveal. I know we continued talking for a couple more hours. 

Shortly after, I had dinner with Allison, the other one in my group who didn’t yet know. She was easier to tell because she had talked openly about homosexuality and had made it clear that she supported same-sex marriage. With her, it came up naturally and was more casual. She was curious and asked me a lot of questions because she didn’t have any gay friends.  

The immediate benefit of the whole group knowing was that they could pray for me. I cannot stress enough the importance of their prayer. I now had five people praying for me every week about my coming out process, particularly to my parents, and about discerning the right path for me, whether that meant being in a same-sex relationship or not. 

I was flying home over Easter weekend to come out to my parents so we had about six weeks to pray.

Every week, I felt awkward bringing it up but I wanted their prayers more than I wanted to remain comfortable and quiet. Every week, they prayed for me.

Please excuse the Christian lingo but we “covered it in prayer.” 

The night before I was to fly home, I went over to Jessica’s house. Jessica, no kidding, is one of only a few people I know who seems to have a party line to God. It’s open at all times; she can jump on at any time and hear God talking to her. She’s like Doris Day in Pillow Talk. She told me that she had no feeling about how the weekend was going to go but that God had been pretty clearly telling her to love me and be patient with me. Wow. I was stepping out with my shaky faith onto shaky ground, and this felt like confirmation that I was on the right path. 

See, one of the messages I had received along the way, the indoctrination from church and Christian leaders/authors was that if you come out, you were owning your homosexuality, and making it that much easier to become a practicing HOMO-sex-ual. To name it is to claim it. Do not identify as queer, do not talk about it, that way you are doing your part to keep it at bay. I thought by telling people my secret, I was conceding. I was losing the fight. I was moving the needle, taking steps toward the “homosexual lifestyle.” But the reactions of my Women’s Group, how they prayed for me, how they loved me, it felt like God was guiding me along the best pathway for my life, the verse (Psalms 32:8) that my mother had been praying for me for months. 

I didn’t know how I was going to come down on same-sex relationships theologically. I had, for so long, thought they were sinful. But living my life the way I had been living had become unsustainable.

The need to tell felt almost like a compulsion, like there was a force acting on me.

If God, in fact, did orchestrate the circumstances of my life such that I had to start opening my mouth and using my words and telling people, I will be forever grateful. Regardless, I was trying to figure things out, trying to seek God. And something positive had already come out of the telling. I had people, a whole group of people, with me and supporting me. I was NOT alone anymore.